Marry Mione
by Emperor's Sister
Summary: Hermione weds several times, no thanks to the acursed Marriage Law. What's a witch in love to do? re-edited! next chappie coming soon!
1. Chapter 1

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

It was to be known as the shortest marriage in wizarding history.

The bride had been married off as to the letter of the unjust law. She and her new husband departed, after a short stint at the reception party, to the bridal chamber. Before the wedding night could be officially over with the cracking of the dawn, the groom was dead.

They say he died happily.

Hermione sat, in her widow's robes, knitting for lack of anything better to do. It was an occupation that kept her hands busy and took up time, but it let her mind wonder. Her brain still functioned. In fact it was going over the past few months repeatedly like an old fashioned movie stuck on repeat. But no matter how many times she watched, she still couldn't grasp just how things had ended up as they had.

The movie begins with being in love. Most stories usually begin that way, but the main participants don't realize that they are, in fact, in love. Hermione did know. So did her lover. Hermione Granger and Harry Potter were in love with each other, not that anyone else seemed to give a damn. Or so they felt once their troubles began.

Their troubles, of course, were the Ministry of Magic. Or to be more precise, the Ministry of Magic's laws. Or to be even more specific, their law regarding marriage for muggle-born witches.

The Ministry of Magic has finally acknowledged, publicly, that the wizarding world was in danger. No not of Lord Voldemort, the silly monkeys, but of the continued intermarrying of the Pureblood line causing more and more stillbirths, squibs and barren children. So how do they fix this problem? Simple. They created the Preservation of Wizarding Heritage Law. Or the Marriage Law, as everyone else was calling it.

The law dictated that no Pureblood wizard could marry a Pureblood witch, unless it was discovered that they had no familial relations in their bloodlines. Which was a pretty rare thing indeed, for the Notts, the Browns and even the famed Malfoys all had Weasleys, Lovegoods, Potters, and Boneses somewhere in their ancestry. So said Pureblood male had to interbreed with a Muggle-born, in order to 'strengthen the blood'.

Naturally these Pureblood wizards would not be too kind to this law, despite that it had been created to keep their families from extinction. Now ministers do wish to keep the funds coming in, not to mention secure their places in office, so they added a bit more to the PWH Law. Under this law any Pureblood wizard, or male head of a Pureblood family, could petition for a betrothal contract giving them legal power over the Muggle-born witch. That would make them very happy indeed, they decided. It seemed like a step backwards, before women's lib. and all such movements, but the ministers knew that if the power hungry had some power over it all, they stayed compliant-ish.

This step also was deemed necessary as they quickly discovered that the Muggle families felt that betrothal contracts were too 'barbaric' and they would rather let their daughters 'fall in love' and 'marry who they damn well pleased, wizarding family or no'.

The Muggle-born witches were trapped in a very uncomfortable corner. Especially those whom were students and not yet of legal marrying age. Sure they couldn't be wed, yet, but a betrothal was not a wedding. It was a magically binding promise to do so, once the final scores on their final exams were finally put down. It was all rather final.

Add in the fact that they couldn't surrender their wands and return to muggledom to escape the law just made it even more uncomfortable. Magic is magic and it doesn't have an on/off switch.

If you recall, our resident heroes, Harry and Hermione were in love.

They were head over feet, and wanted to get married, have careers, and a bush load of brats. Unfortunately, Harry Potter did not have a 'head of his pureblooded family'. Unless you counted Harry, himself, which the ministers, perhaps in a pique of well it is hard to imagine what, did not.

And Hermione received another, more acceptable by Ministry's standards, offer from the Malfoys.

So what does a couple in love do in such a situation? Bemoan their unfortunate situation? Yes they did that, as well as another thing. The other thing being falling into downright PANIC. They panicked as many others have panicked before them, and as many will do so after. Then they followed the natural course of action... elopement.

Like a quaint regency romance they ran off to Gretna Green.

Gretna Green Weddings are easy to arrange. There are two venues to choose from within the Old Blacksmith's Shop. The Marriage Room, the centerpiece of the Old Blacksmith's Shop. It is the original Blacksmith's workshop where thousands of lovers were married over the anvil in days gone by. Alternatively, if one prefers a more private ceremony, they can wed in a finely appointed private marriage room, also located within the Old Blacksmith's Shop. Afterwards, the wedding photos can be taken over the wedding anvil. Quite romantic really.

Of course they have to get there first, without being caught by the officials.

Hermione and Harry poured over their secreted information with glee. "You know, I never knew you could still get to Gretna Green by stagecoach."

"But it takes days by coach to get there Harry." She pointed out. "Or at least it does from London."

"And how, pray tell, did you know that little tidbit of knowledge, love?" Harry teased, as his girlfriend's cheeks began to redden.

"Ah well... Romances these days are usually very well researched! Harry Potter stop teasing me or we'll never get married!"

He couldn't help but grin at that, as he leaned in closer to taste the temptation that was her soft pink lips. He came up about five or so minutes later. They really couldn't afford an all out snog session.

Hermione breathed deeply, as she collected her scattered thoughts. "So rail it is then."

"Yes. We Knight bus to Carlisle, and then take the rail. It says here that the intercity trains link so we can get off at Gretna and dash off to be wed over the anvil." He smiled. It was really going to happen. Before breakfast they would be off, skipping through the passage to Hogsmeade and the outskirts of town to summon the bus. By the time the Ministry would have received news of their magical departure; they would already be on the train and/or hopefully married. The plan was flawless, as Hermione Granger had worked it out herself.

And it worked.

To a point.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter were happily ensconced in the honeymoon suit, about to 'give birth to the beasts with two backs' when they arrived. It was quite the embarrassing sight to behold, as several Aurors apparated into the room, where Mr. Potter was ravishing his new bride. Though who was more embarrassed, the Potters to be caught en flagrant délit, or the officials, who had to suffer some of the younger members gaping and drooling and comment on the sizes, it was difficult to say.

The Ministers were not amused. They were furious actually.

Harry and Hermione were married.

Or so they thought.

Oh what a devious creature the Minister of Magic is. True the young lovers were legally wed, though under the age of 18, they did have written consent of the families as well as the valid certificate from the Old Blacksmith's Shop, in Gretna, Scotland. But the minister did not give up that easily, especially when his ire was raised. He found himself a loophole. Well in all honestly he created his own loophole.

Muggle marriages did not count.

Sure they did count, he couldn't contest that, but as far as he could push the letter, they did not count as a valid in the wizarding world. She could be Mrs. Hermione Potter in the Muggle world all she wanted, but in the wizarding one, she was still un-wed.

And to make matters worse, he decided that Hermione was too much of a loose canon to have wandering about so as punishment for their elopement, he took away her rights. She was treated as a prisoner of the court and forced to wed the younger Malfoy.

The lovers were torn from each other's arms and separated cruelly. Hermione was quickly wed for the second time, to Draco Malfoy.

She'd be damned if she let the bastards see her cry.

The wedding was a grand affair, though rather tame for a Malfoy. Many important people were invited. There were some Ministers, some Ambassadors, Businessmen, Famous Singers and anyone else important. Except for Hermione's Muggle Husband, and her friends and family, who were not allowed to come to the wedding. In fact the no one from Hogwarts was in attendance, minus the groom, his best men, and one Professor Severus Snape. It was quite a ceremony. The reception following was equally grandiose, if not more so.

Not that the newlyweds stayed long to enjoy the festivities. Mind you no one noticed that they left early, no one really cared at all. The booze was free, the spot light was glowing, and there were photographers to be smiling and posing at.

Hermione was nervous. That is to say she was near terrified and about to panic once again. The only reason she hadn't tried to make a run for it already was the fact that her wrist was tied to the bedpost. She sincerely hoped that Draco Malfoy wasn't the kinky sort. Harry and she hadn't had time to consummate their relationship, so she expected it to bloody hurt when Draco had his way with her 

'Oh, bloody. I shouldn't have thought of that.' She groaned stifling an un-feminine eep as the chamber door opened.

"Hermione." Draco whispered, as he eyed his trembling bride from the doorway. He closed it securely behind him, and slowly approached, a smile gracing his aristocratic features.

That surprised her. He was smiling, not smirking. She never knew he was capable of such an act. He looked almost human when he smiled.

Draco sat down, easing himself gently onto the mattress. "I won't hurt you, you know. You're my wife now, Hermione. I've wanted to do this for sometime. I'm going to show you the pleasurable side to our union." He said, leaning more and more over her body, stroking her like a delicate rose. "I promise to be gentle, the first time."

To her utter amazement he was, he really was. If ever she were questioned with veritaserum, she would have to admit that loosing her virginity to Draco Malfoy was one of the more pleasant and possibly enjoyable experiences of her life.

Of course once she had a couple minutes to recover, it was completely different. After all, he was a 17-year-old male, with a lovely naked and well enough proportioned woman underneath him. One he was actually allowed to hump to his hormones content. Hermione actually lost count, and his constant gasping comments were only distracting. She didn't care that all this time her mere presence would cause his heart to begin flip-flopping. She was getting rather sore.

In the end, all she did recall of that fateful night was when she finally reached the point where she prayed to whatever god was out there to 'make him stop I'm TIRED already and I want to sleep' that he shocked her for the last time. When he came, short of breath and sweating like a horse, he gasped into her ear.

"I.... love... you..."

Then he collapsed on top of her.

He was squishing her. 'He's heavy.' She noticed. She also noticed that he wasn't breathing, and damned if she could hear a heart beat from her position.

Hermione Malfoy had one hell of a time getting untied, with deadweight on top of her. She managed though. She covered him up, and dressed herself in his bathrobe. Then she staggered over to the door, opened it, and screamed.

Apparently ventricular arrhythmia is as difficult to catch in the wizarding world as it is in the muggle one.

The Malfoy family has a large tome called the 'Malfoy Family Rules of Conduct'. In this book, Malfoys are forbidden from fornicating with females, who aren't their wives. At least at the start of the marriage after an heir or two is produced, they're not so uptight about straying. So as many likable candidates and girlfriends the Malfoy male is bound to acquire in his youth, he is forbidden from 'spilling his seed uselessly' as quoted from said tome. So as sexually educated as Draco Malfoy was, he was as much a virgin to the marriage bed as his bride.

This explains how he lived as long as he did.

Hermione, though, was too much woman for the lad, and he ended up over exerting his weak heart and killing himself, via ventricular fibrillation. The family was devastated.

Hermione sat and watched at Lucius Malfoy, a man she categorized as a cruel and heartless bastard, wept over his son's body like a baby. She was trying to comfort a hysterically distraught Narcissa when she belatedly realized that Death Eaters were people to. Together, they mourned over their loss.

But every cloud has a silver lining.

Beside the tome called 'Malfoy Family Rules of Conduct', there is a leather bound book entitled 'The Malfoy Family History and Hereditary Assurances'. A strange title for a book, unless you actually read the stupid thing, then it starts to make sense. This book explains all the little quirks about the Malfoys. Such as, firstborns are always male, as well as second. Females are always born as twins before they ever come out singly. A Malfoy always has blond to silver hair, no exceptions, and slightly pointy chins. A Malfoy only needs one time. This last bit is the reason for the 'Malfoy Family Rules of Conduct's' no sex before marriage clause.

It was also the reason Hermione was still alive, in a house of muggle-hating Death Eaters.

She was pregnant, with Draco Malfoy Jr. Hence the knitting.


	2. Chpater 2

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

Part 2:

Now Hermione had her doubts at first. She didn't feel pregnant; in fact she didn't even suffer from any pregnancy related symptoms. At least not in the early weeks of her first month of expectant motherhood. Reeling from both shock and disbelief, she fell back on her usual course of action. Research.

As she was forbidden to leave the Malfoy estate, she rooted through the family's extensive library, and oddly enough found just the book she was looking for. On the neighboring shelf, right beside 'The Malfoy Family Rules of Conduct' and 'The Malfoy Family History and Hereditary Assurances', was a medium sized book called: 'The Pregnancy Book'. A simple title for a book that had simple explanations for one confused knocked-up witch.

It wasn't long after Hermione read the book, from cover to cover, that her body decided to fess up, and confirm the Malfoy's suspicions. The first clue of course was her absent period. With its disappearance also came the decree that she was not allowed to wander about. Hermione spent quite a bit of her time in her rooms. Which ironically suited her well enough, as she no longer had the stamina for usual activities, such as walking about the grounds or even staying awake after supper. The changes in her body used up a surprising amount of energy, even more so as she, and her un-born son, were magical. Unfortunately she had a lot of time on her hands to think, mostly about Harry.

'I wonder how he's doing right now.'

Hermione, though upset, was learning to deal with her situation. As were Narcissa and Lucius.

The second month was a little more difficult though.

Hermione's cravings began. She couldn't get enough orange for example. Orange juice, carrots, raspberry leaf and ginger tea, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, etc... she was becoming rather demanding. Mango ice cream with ketchup chips and applesauce, and not the regular brands either, only certain kinds would do. But Lucius Malfoy was rich; he just sucked his teeth and bore it. She was carrying his son's son after all.

Then came the embarrassing bits. For instance, right after lunch, Hermione would break wind. She also suffered from dry heaves first thing every morning, but that wasn't right under their very aristocratic noses. Narcissa was very glad that her reluctant daughter-in-law refused to eat cabbage. She herself had refused cabbages during her pregnancy, but she never felt gassy, only slightly bloated. 'To each their own' she supposed, as she pinched her delicate nasal passages together.

Hermione was definitely feeling pregnant. She was also definitely feeling something else, too. That something else being horny. She had never felt so frustratingly frisky before in all her life and her blasted dreams weren't helping. She had a rather erotic dream about Harry and Lucius Malfoy and a large tub of honeycomb ice cream with ginger shortbread stars that seemed so realistic that it was disturbing. According to the book though such expressive and realistic dreams were perfectly normal for a pregnant woman, not that that explanation soothed her one bit.

It only got worse the night she kissed him. She didn't want to kiss him, and damned if she ever will want to ever again. It just happened. She was so desperate for some affectionate release that when the dumb blonde got too close to her, she just reached out and snogged him. Afterwards she just snarled at him and stomped back up to her rooms for a nap.

Narcissa at least was sympathetic. She understood the power play of emotions Hermione was undergoing and explained quite snottily so to her husband. Lucius felt like he was stuck between and rock and a hard place. What exactly did these women expect him to do? He silently confessed to himself that the young mudblood was rather attractive now, what with her blossoming bust size and sexual voracity, but she was a mudblood and his daughter-in-law. He could attempt to be more attentive, but he was quite sure his wife would not approve of him fondling the girl in the great library. So he decided the safest rout was to run away, and discuss his woes to his closest comrade, Severus Snape.

It was probably a stupid thing to do as all Snape did was laugh at him, but it was easier to handle than the soap opera at his manor.

That was month number two, and this was month number three. Hermione was in the sitting room with Narcissa, knitting if you remember. They had just finished an interview with a prominent witch's wardrobe designer, as Hermione was still quite forbidden from leaving the grounds, about choosing the right bras. Hermione, taking the advice from Narcissa, discovered that wearing a lightweight maternity bra to bed gave her extra support and helped ease discomfort, thereby awarding her with a decent night's rest. Naturally she had to have more, as well as some nursing bras for the future. Anyhow it was just afterwards that they settled down for some quiet, and Hermione reflected on the past, that Lucius Malfoy returned home.

Not that his return would have warranted any undue notice, except that this time he arrived with a loud cacophony of noise to announce him. The two women jumped as he stomped angrily into the room and poured himself a drink.

"Lucius whatever is the matter?" Narcissa asked, putting her needlepoint aside.

"The blasted Ministry is the matter my dear!" he snarled and gulped his drink rather un-gentleman-like.

Hermione had to agree that the Ministry was indeed a problem. It was because of it that she was here after all, and though she no longer abhorred the Malfoy family as she once had, as they did seem to grow on a person; she was still put out about being forced into becoming a member.

"And what, pray tell, did the Ministry do to put you in such a state, darling?" Narcissa queried, attempting to bring civilized order to their conversation.

"The damned bloody fools gave into Dumbledore, is what."

Hermione started. 'Did they finally publicly admit that the Dark Lord was among them at last? Was the Order making such progress? I wish Narsissa didn't believe that the Daily Profit was un-fit for lady's eyes.'

"They've decreed that Hermione must re-marry." He spat, and Hermione's eyes widened.

"BUT... I'm pregnant!" she gaped fishlike.

"Have they gone completely daft!" Narcissa snapped, giving up her genteel stand to vent her displeasure.

"There's no stopping it. Believe me I've tried! The law was designed so that our pureblood families would continue with half blood children but that meddling Dumbledore wants her out from under our influence and back in his grasp, as well as our heir."

Hermione suddenly understood. Whomever she was forced into marrying next would also be taking her child. Draco Malfoy Jr. would soon be renamed, as to her new husband's desires and the Malfoys would loose their heir, but more importantly, their last link to their son. As much as she desired to escape, and possibly be re-married to Harry, she couldn't in her heart, do such a painful thing to the people who have taken care of her these past few months. So she did what she did best. She thought up a plan that would suit everyone's needs. It was quite a spectacular plan really. Harry Potter would just have to wait.

It was just the right time to speak too. Lucius was staring morosely into his empty cup, and Narsissa had burst into un-lady-like tears. Taking a deep breath she gave them the answers to their predicament.

"You know, there is a way out of this." She began, gaining the attention of the room. She waited as they held in their breaths and then she announced, "Why don't you just ask Professor Snape to take me? Surely he wouldn't keep Draco Jr. away from you, being such close family friends after all." She cleverly omitted that Dumbledore would be tickled pink to have her attached to an order member. It wouldn't do to announce that he was spying on them after all.

Lucius dived to her knees and kissed her. "Hermione you are indeed the genius they've always painted you to be. It's brilliant!"

"Oh my dear, sweet child!" Narsissa sang and began to cry becoming tears of joy. "Lucius stop doddling and floo Severus immediately! This calls for a party! I must write a list!"

So Hermione prepared herself to be wed, for the third time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

Part 3:

Severus Snape hated it when people thought of him as a 'lecherous old man', as they did after his reporting to Albus of the 'Hermione Circumstance'. To retrieve the lost little Gryffindor lamb it was agreed that he would wed the chit, baby and all. Harry Potter did not agree with it, but Harry Flouting Potter could go sit on his thumbs as far as he was concerned. It was Lucius Malfoy's idea, and it worked in all their favor.

Not that his heroics were being praised, no he was just teased. Dirty Old Man chasing after a Young Piece of Skirt, tisk tisk. It really irked him to hear such teasing.

Mostly because they were right on the mark.

Severus Snape really was a pervy old gent. He was also about to get himself a young wife, one that he'd always fantasized about.

To be fair, he didn't harbor disgustingly lusty thoughts about his students. No, he only realized his apparent Lolita Complex when one Hermione Granger realized her womanhood. For the last couple years he'd dream about her doing rather romantic and sometimes naughty things. From studying under him as an apprentice to being under him, or nursing him back to health to providing 'sexual' healing. His latest favorite was 'ye old detention' fantasy and Hermione proving just how naughty a girl she really was underneath that Head Girl exterior. Of course all that was before her elopement with the Potter twit.

When he read about the new marriage law, Severus was damn well inclined to pursue her himself. She may have rejected him, and in one rather racy fantasy she had, but he would have had her whether she approved of it or not. He never said he wasn't a right bastard after all, but he was fairly sure Dumbledore would've helped, if only to keep her out of Death Eaters' hands.

But she ran away, got caught, and forcibly married to someone else.

And he got no nookie.

Sure it was sad when young Mr. Malfoy expired, but he couldn't stop envying his favorite student's demise. Who would've thought that all this time the confused young man's feelings of love for the witch were, in all honesty, symptoms of a particular fatal heart condition that had nothing to do with flowers and romance? Not him that's for certain. The only small upside to the whole dismal story was when his obsession became with child, and he could at least amuse himself with Lucius' pitiful tales of woe. Pity it wasn't considered proper to volunteer to help the pregnant daughter-in-law with her frustrations, otherwise he would've jumped at the chance. Instead his dearest, and most darling of friends, Lucius Malfoy, offered him something even more delightful.

His daughter-in-law's hand in marriage. He almost couldn't believe his good luck.

True Lucius didn't love the chit like she was a real daughter; he was only interested in protecting what was his. Draco's un-born son. Quite frankly, as much as Severus liked the man now, he couldn't, for the life of him, guess just how he had come up with this delightful plan. He always seemed to be such an empty-headed pretty boy.

He knew of course that the Order wanted to free Hermione, from whatever peril she must have been suffering for so long. Had Lucius only allowed the girl to show her pretty face now and then, they probably wouldn't have pushed the Minister of Magic so much. The Minister probably took a small inkling of sadistic delight in forcing the poor girl to marry again. Everyone knew the smarmy old goat held a grudge as long as his driveway. Pity for Lucius his personal vendettas overruled his personal acquaintances; otherwise Malfoy's argument concerning the laws' purpose would've overruled Albus' demands that the wench be made to wife once again.

Not that it mattered anymore.

Lucius wanted Snape to wed Hermione, and keep Draco Malfoy Jr., Draco Malfoy Jr. Afterwards, the new Mrs. Snape was his by all rights and to top it all off, they were including a dowry. It was a bribe of course to keep him from acknowledging the babe as his own spawn; and it was a bribe he welcomed as his bank account was rather skimpy at best, and his bride would surely wish to re-decorate their sparse and near crumbling home. The old ways were surely the best ways sometimes. It probably helped though, that the Snape's estates bordered the Malfoy's estates. One big happy neighbor-like family, only a catapult's throws away.

Still, even though he was positively tickled pink to be able to call Hermione his at long last, he wasn't about to act like it. He had a reputation to uphold after all. At the school anyway. So he was willing to sit tight and hear just what good excuses Albus Interfering Dumbledore could throw at him. He just hoped there would be no lemon drops involved. The damned things made his teeth stick together.

Albus didn't disappoint.

True there were the 'for the good of the blahblahblah...' that everyone else was yammering on about. Albus though hit on a very interesting idea.

"Having Mrs. Potter-Malfoy as your wife will take care of your un-wanted women troubles Severus!" he twinkled.

Snape had almost forgotten about that.

There are some things not particularly well known about the wizarding world's un-human species. Take into account what happens in Bulgaria, for instance.

Bulgaria is mostly famous for its magical creatures know as Veelas. Now everyone knows that Veelas are women of exceptional beauty, and that any men in their presence act like babbling loons in order to impress them. When the Veelas are incensed they transform into hideous and vengeful harpy demons, breathing fire down onto their victims. What they've neglected to note is that were there is female, there is male.

Veelas are a lot like birds. For example, the mighty and vain peacock. The male peacock has a voluminous tail of exquisite design that it unfurls and struts about in order to attract a mate. Peacock females, if you've ever seen one, are drab and boringly brown by comparison. Veelas are fairly the opposite, where the female is outrageously attractive; the male is... well... not.

True those of Veela heritage are just as beautiful, especially males. Just look at the Malfoys for confirmation; But we are discussing Pure Blood Veela Males. Any Veela female will admit to being attracted to beauty, but only because they hope that the male of their choice has Veela ancestry, and their offspring will get closer and closer to being a pure blooded male Veela itself. A valued prize as they are sparse creatures indeed. Nothing on this very earth is more sought after and desired than a pure blood Veela man.

Severus Snape just happens to be one.

His father and mother both were half Veelas, and as fortune decreed, Severus was born a pure blood. His parents were thrilled. The rest of wizarding society, being ignorant as they were, wondered just what nightmarish beast poor Severity Antonia Snape was ravished by to produce such an ugly child.

Severus Snape didn't have problems really until much later on in his youth. In his school days, he had the misfortune of attending classes with part Veela school girls, like Narsissa Black. They tended to hunt him down like rabid wolves after a wounded dear. His deep love of potions spawned after he discovered a 'Veela-Girl-Away' serum that worked wonders. Unfortunately it made his hair rather oily, and his teeth yellowed after drinking it so often. The next disturbing incident happened during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Fleur and Gabrielle were a pair of the slyest Veela wenches he ever had his misfortune to come across. He was lucky to escape that year with all his robes intact.

Though Albus did have a point in pointing this little tidbit out, as he was one of the few wizards who were well read on all things magical. Another thing about Veelas being bird-like is that they are also characteristically like the noble eagle. As in they tend to mate for life. So when, not if, he takes Hermione to be his wife, the rest of the Veela world will growl and storm and pull out their lovely tresses, but that's about all. They'll leave off hunting him down, though the same can not be said for any sons he and his bride produce.

The idea of children made his smile.

Albus Dumbledore took that to mean something else, and so the dealing was done.

Severus couldn't hardly wait for the affair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

Part 4:

Hermione looked herself over in the large oval mirror. It was the evening of her engagement ball, and she confessed to feeling a little off kilter. Her dress robes were lovely, of course, but they were designed to fit the Malfoy's specifications. This meant that they accentuated her pregnancy instead of minimizing it. The only thing she thought the outfit was missing was a giant sparkling arrow on top of her head, pointing directly at her womb.

'They probably thought it was too tacky' she snorted.

Having stalled long enough, Hermione decided to leave her boudoir and sashayed into the ballroom.

She felt very cold.

Not that the temperature in the room was chilly mind you. The Malfoys had no reason to skimp on their heating bills after all. No the problem was that the room was filled up to bursting with known Death Eaters, and their families.

'Oh I hope that wasn't You-Know-Who over there by the hors-d'oeurvres.' She gulped and forcibly pushed her feet forwards.

Hermione found that mingling among a crowd of mass murderers wasn't as hard as she'd thought. Disturbing as all hell, Yes! But difficult? No. It probably helped that everyone addressed her stomach region instead of her face. Being treated as the walking heir's incubation chamber suited her much better than being regarded as the mudblood lover of the One-They-Must-All-Kill. As the former they were just murmuring niceties, but as the latter they would've been torturing her, then killing her and chopping her up into little potions ingredients.

Speaking of potions, her new fiancé just came in.

"Good evening … er?" Hermione paused unsure how to address her former potions professor and soon to be hubby.

"Just call me Sevey, darling." He smiled down at her, whilst grasping her hand and raising it to place a searing kiss upon her palm.

"Eh, what?" Hermione babbled as her brain struggled to digest the most unthinkably twilight zone-ish of events. 'Surely I heard him wrong. Or I'm insane. Or… or… I don't know!'

"I was only jesting dearest." He smirked, "Try to loosen up some would you? Stress is harmful for you and for the baby. And either Severus or Snape is fine."

"Oh! Right, sorry." She smiled a little, puzzled. "Did you just call me 'dearest'?"

"I believe I did refer to you with that particular term of endearment."

"A simple yes would have sufficed. Now why did you? And why are you acting in a manner contrary to what I am accustomed to?"

"We are soon to be wed, my dear. Should we not be on a more familiar if not intimate level of address with one another?"

Hermione raised one doubt-filled eyebrow.

"Alright, the truth is that I am also not quite comfortable with calling you by your birth name just yet. Another reason would be that calling you by such titles makes this all seem less seedy and more presentable to the public."

"That I'd buy, Sev-erus." For the first time that evening, she let out a real smile. "And my other question?"

"Allow me to say that though I act one way with one group of people, does not necessarily mean that I am a surly and spiteful bastard with all of my acquaintances." Severus answered. "Have you had a rough time here in the Manor?"

"Well, I can't say I have. The Malfoys have taken good care of me, truth be said, and I usually have something to do. It is just that… I have too much time to… think." She confessed, "Do you understand?"

"I can well imagine, my dear." Severus nodded, sympathetically.

A softy-complaining rumble broke their silence. "I take it you haven't yet partaken to the buffet?"

"Ah that would be a no, Sever-us." Hermione laughed sheepishly, self-consciously rubbing her prominent stomach.

"Shall I escort you then?" Severus asked, offering her his arm.

"Um, yes thank you but, is that … you know? Him?" She asked peering shyly over his shoulder.

Tilting his head back, Severus Snape spotted the person she was concerned about.

"Ah, yes. It is, I am afraid so." He winced as he watched as the Dark Lord dropped one prawn after another into his wide-open mouth. Hermione shuddered, though Severus was at a loss to say whether this was due to the way the disgusting overlord ate or from his mere muggle-murdering presence.

"Well, I'm not feeling too keen on seafood right now, so I guess its safe." Hermione decided, as they headed towards the father end of the table. "I won't have to be introduced to him, will I?" she blurted out rather suddenly.

"Relax. One does not get 'introduced' to Lord Voldemort." Severus explained, somewhat calming her fears. "Usually he just... starts talking."

Hermione opened her mouth in order to ask her fiancé to explain further when he let out a curse.

"Bollocks, I guess you'll have to find out for yourself then." He groaned as his Dark Master approached them, a slimy grin pasted across his leathery face.

Hermione was feeling at a loss. She didn't want to meet the Dark Lord who caused so much misery in the wizarding world, and wished to destroy her first husband and love. A torturer of muggles like her dear dentist parents, whom she hadn't been able to visit for so very, very long. Not to mention her familiar and oh so cuddly cat, Crookshanks. She missed her kitty terribly and hoped that her beloved was taking proper care of him. Heaven only knows what a foul creature of the likes of Voldemort would do to poor innocent little magical felines. She just, just couldn't meet Him face to face!

He had barely even begun to speak in his raspy snakelike voice, about something she never caught, when she burst.

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Into tears.

Now Lord Voldemort was used to several reactions from Muggles and Muggle-borns whose path he had crossed. Usually after they had been captured, or during a raid, or what have you. There were screams, and pleadings for mercy. There were even bargains and yes a few tears of fright and of pain. But never in his entire career as an evil over-fiend had he ever encountered the bawling of a young witch at a fancy dinner party, just for informing her that the fish was excellent.

Poor Lord Voldemort. Even offering her his hanky didn't help, as it made her cry even more. He almost wished He could cry, but his snake replicated red eyes were incapable of such an act.

Severus Snape took pity upon his nefarious boss, who had a very un-evil lord look on his basilisk like features. "Ah, my intended is with child my Lord. Overly emotional, and uncontrollably so. I would not take it personally."

Those words made the Dark Lord feel much better. With an even more out of place smile of happiness on his scaly visage, he marched off to check on the band.

Seeing that how the Dark Lord had gone, Severus turned to comforting his bride to be. "My dear? Er… Hermione? Are you well? Is there anything I can do for you?"

Hermione sniffed and blinked miserably up at her ex-professor. "I… I need a hug!"

Severus chuckled lightly and gave into her plea. It was just as Lucius had complained about after all. The girl was starved for affection, and all he had to do was to remember that. Yes, he was fairly sure that taking care of, not to mention eventually seducing, his pregnant Lolita would be a rather easy task indeed.

It was a rather a large pity, after all, that when the two finally tied the wizarding knot, Hermione was well into her third trimester.


	5. Chapter 5

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

Part 5:

Sometimes the old ways weren't the best ways after all, Severus Snape decided.

Sure the dowry was most desirable, the parties at the Malfoy Manor were endurable, and he had plenty of moments alone with his bride-to-be. Moments that he used to gain her favor by lavishing upon her all the attention and care the Malfoys had neglected to give her since the beginning of her pregnancy. The problem was that in the high standing circles where families such as the Malfoys and the Snapes were members of, such engagement periods lasted a bloody long time. So when the time came for them to perform their long awaited nuptials, Hermione was reduced to performing a duck-like waddle down the aisle instead gliding with an on-edge yet sensual movement, like she had done at their engagement ball, which had not failed to make his "potions assistant' stand up and take notice.

'Were she wearing my robes right now, I'd be hard pressed not to take her for a penguin.' Severus thought as he watched his bride slowly walk awkwardly towards his side.

The ceremony at least went rather quickly. The fertility spells and speeches were pointless, and the Malfoys, sticklers for traditions as they were, did not want to risk anything that could possibly harm their unborn heir.

So before Snape knew it, he was married.

'Hoo-Bloody-Ray.' He thought sourly, as he and his wife acknowledged their guests' well wishes.

Now to be fair, Severus Snape was pleased with his new married status, mostly because his wife was a long-standing crush of his. He was also okay with being even closer to the Malfoys, what with his new bride carrying the spawn of his favorite ex-student. He was just put out, for any amorous activities that could have taken place on the honeymoon were now canceled. Not that Hermione would have minded a little hanky panky. Raging sexual hormones constantly tormented her, albeit concern for her baby may have been a tad off putting.

No, the lovemaking was put on hold due to Severus Snape not being all that attracted to… well… to put it bluntly… he wasn't at all partial to fat chicks. Try as he might in the past few weeks, he just couldn't get a stiffy near his expecting bride, much to his dismay.

'Why is it that every time I get what I want, I don't want it any more?' Severus mused darkly, 'I must be cursed.'

"Uhm Severus? Are you alright?"

Hermione's curious filled voice brought him back. "Yes, yes quite alright my dear."

"Oh good!" she smiled with relief. "Then let's sit. I'm desperate to get off my feet."

Nodding in acquiescence he gave her his arm and escorted her to the table that had been prepared for them. The view they had from their seats was rather interesting.

The reception hall was delicately decorated in pale greens and whites, but their ceremonial beauty went mostly un-noticed. Apparently the seating arrangements had been written up in order to separate everyone into groups of friends, family, and associates, ranking according to their importance. It ended up more along the lines of the Light on the right, the Dark on the left, and the media stuck smack dab in the middle. Just who would cross the line of flash bulbs and clicking cameras first, only time would tell.

"I do hope Albus doesn't do something stupid." Severus sighed, watching as each side of the room glowered at the other.

"Or embarrassing." Hermione agreed. "Hmmm? I see that neither Harry nor my friends from school are here. Except for Luna, but she's sitting with her father over there. They're probably writing another bizarre article for their insane magazine."

"That is because I have no particular liking for your friends." Severus informed her, "So naturally they did not make it to the guest list."

Hermione looked a little saddened by that.

"I had to invite Albus, and the staff; the bloody were-wolf, and some ministry phoenixes. Oh and Percy Weasley too, because I was ordered to. The Order was adamant about seeing you with their own eyes, and I'll be damned if I let them traipse merrily through my home." He glowered, "Lord Voldemort is also here, albeit under heavy glamour charms, together with that prat Pettigrew. Personally the only guests present that I can honestly say I don't dislike are your In-Laws."

Hermione stifled a sniffle. She did not cry at her other wedding; she would not at this one. Just because she had been hoping to see some friendly faces and was not given the opportunity to do so was no reason to begin blubbering like a depressed sea mammal. Apparently her new husband noticed.

"Don't think about this accursed affair my sweet." He coddled, hoping to prevent a watery scene. "Besides, you do have my wedding gift to look forward to."

Originally he had planned a romantic and raunchy evening in his family's summer home on the coast of Spain. But due to his disinterested libido, he had opted for something more comforting for his wife, and far cheaper.

"And that is?"

"Why, we're going to visit your relatives on our honeymoon trip." he supplied, "I understand that you have had no contact with your muggle family in… ergh."

Severus chocked on his words as his ecstatic wife nearly strangled him in a gleeful hug.

"Oh you are the most darling man in all the world! You know that don't you! Oh of course you do! Eeee! I'll get to see Mommy and Daddy again! Thank you thank you thank you so much!" she squealed in his ear. "I love it! I'm so happy!" She finally released him after gracing him with an awkward kiss somewhere between his mouth and his nose.

His "potion's assistant" perked up for once.

Severus cursed as he resigned himself to a celibate week at the Granger's residence. His muggle in-laws would doubtfully allow him very much time alone with their estranged daughter.

'Figures it would work now when it'll do me no good.'

The curse had struck again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

_My odd inspired response to WIKTT's 'The Marriage Law' Contest._

Part 6:

If Hermione hadn't been so busy hyperventilating she would've been embarrassed.

"Oh my God! I'm Mrs. Potter!" she exclaimed loudly.

The Londoners were staring.

"Yes. Quite. May we proceed?" her magic-land husband griped, "You are causing a scene.'

"Oh, sorry Severus. It's just that once we crossed over into muggle London, I suddenly remembered!" Hermione blushed. According to the Minister of magic she was legally Mrs. Potter, by her first civil marriage, in the non-magial world.

"I'm thrilled for you my dear."

Hermione glared at her temporary, though no longer husband. "That was more sarcasm than necessary. You're just put out that we aren't legally married here so you can't boss me around." She sneered in a rather Snape-like manner.

Severus winced at the bit of truth within her statement, though he did find some pleasure in the knowledge that he was rubbing off on her.

"Now let us get moving." She declared, handing control of their luggage trolley over to Severus. "Mommy and Daddy are meeting us at the entrance with the car. I can't wait to see them."

She heard her suffering wizarding world spouse sigh as he pushed the cart along, slowing to match her waddling pace. The walk seemed to almost take forever in her opinion, as well as in Severus'. But when one is lugging about as much weight on their front end as she was, it wasn't that surprising. She had to take several rest stops and twice sent Severus to fetch her some water, before they finally met up with her family.

Donald and Helene Granger last saw their precious little princess the day they packed her off for school. Sure they had written and knew, as well as approved, of her marriage to that nice Potter boy, but they had not laid eyes on Hermione for some time. Communication had also ground to a distressful halt since that fateful day. So to say they were taken aback by their daughter's new physical state would be absurd.

They were far past surprised believe me, and they turned their gazes to the dark haired not-so-young man beside her. Ones that demanded he explain 'What in God's good name did you do to our baby!' with such ferocity that Snape was cowed into forgetting that he was a seriously nasty git of a potions master and ex-death eater turned spy, and could only utter a pathetically whiney sounding "It wasn't me" in his defense.

"Mommy! Daddy! I've missed you both so!" Hermione cried, ignoring Severus' sad little squeak, and hugged her parents as best she could what with her girth. "Do I have loads to tell you."

Hermione had nearly completed her tale of Ministry matrimonial woes by the time the family car had stopped in front of their house. "So after Severus and I were wed, he promised to take me home for a visit and here we are!"

"So you are married to that nice boy, Harry, correct?"

"Yes Mommy. You can all me Hermione Potter here."

"But you were also married to that Malfoy boy, as well as to this one, because of a loophole?"

"Precisely, so it's not bigamy. Just in the wizarding world I'm Hermione Malfoy-Snape."

"And you are carrying the child of this Draco Malfoy, who is currently dead."

"That about sums it up."

"The wizarding world is very odd."

Hermione couldn't help but agree.

"Well sweetie let's get you inside. Would you care for something to eat?"

"Oh yes! I'm positively famished!"

"I was much the same when I had you." Helene Granger recalled, her eyes misting with nostalgia. "Come. Let's see what we have." She then led the way to the kitchen. Hermione left Snape with her father to deal with their luggage, and seated herself at the breakfast nook. She has happily gorging herself with sliced cheeses, fruits and veggies, as well as bits of cold chicken, when both men re-joined them.

"You all have no idea how absolutely delicious this is." Hermione remarked as she swallowed the last bite of poultry. "Not that the spread at the Malfoy's isn't good or anything but nothing can compare to a nice home cooked meal."

"Perhaps you'd like to go up to your old room and have a nap." Her father commented, as she failed to smother a yawn. "You've had a long day. I'll make sure to wake you in time for supper, sweetheart."

"Thanks Daddy.' Hermione smiled, tiredly, and rose from the table with Severus' help. With a quick light peck to each parents, she made her way to her childhood bedroom.

The same periwinkle walls and white furniture greeted her when she arrived. 'Wow. Has it really only been what? A year? More? Less?' she sighed and began to struggle out of her clothes.

"Need a hand, my dear?"

She stopped, surprised as she hadn't known that Severus had followed her.

"Yes please. I'm too big to get all the buttons."

Severus Snape quickly made himself useful. "I took the liberty of summoning your dressing gown when I deposited your things here. It's on the chair over there." He pointed out.

"Thank you Severus. You've been a real darling to me. I hope Mommy and Daddy haven't been mean to you."

"I set your father straight about our marriage, and he's no doubt informing your mother as we speak." He replied as he helped her slip into something more comfortable to sleep in. "If you need me, they've placed me in the guest room across the hall."

Nodding, Hermione wished him a good afternoon and tucked herself in for a nice long catnap. Things were looking up. 'Who knew Severus Snape would be such an attentive husband. I think I rather like it.' She mused before sweet dreams finally claimed her.

It was quite close to their evening mealtime when Hermione came to. Once she had dressed, she walked to the table in order to chat with her mother as Helene busied herself about the kitchen.

"Oh you're up sweetheart! I was about to call your father to go wake you." Hermione's mother smiled. "Did you have a nice rest?"

"Yes, thank you."

"You know precious I've been thinking, about your condition, and I feel that maybe it would be in your best interest to do something while you are here with us."

"Oh? Like what?"

"For instance, I think you should see my gynecologist Dr. Caius. Just to make sure everything is all right." Her mother said. "She was my obstetrician too when I had you and your sister, and she's very good."

"Sounds like a good idea." Hermione agreed, thinking of how her baby's father had past away. Narsissa had also confessed to a difficult childbirth too. "Perhaps I'll look into taking a Lamaze course too, while I'm at it. Doesn't hurt to be prepared."

"That sounds excellent. I'll call and set up an appointment with Dr. Caius tomorrow."

"Was there anything else?" Hermione asked, "Because you have that look on your face that clearly says that there is something else."

Helene Granger grinned at her daughter's perceptiveness. "Well I never did get the chance to arrange a bridal shower for you, precious, and you ended up getting married three times. I never got to see my little angel get married."

"So I was hoping you wouldn't object if we had a baby shower."

Hermione's eyes misted and she sighed. "Oh, Mommy. I think I'd like that very much, it sound like a lovely idea. I'll ask Severus if there are any wizarding rules we may need to follow."

Helene clapped with delight as if she were a little girl again. "Wonderful! Oh, and we must invite the Malfoys. We wouldn't want to be rude after all. This is their grandchild as well."

"Of course." Hermione agreed, liking the idea of a party more and more. "May I also invite Mrs. Weasley and Ginny? I haven't seen them in ages."

"I can't think of a reason why not, dearest."

"Just where are Severus and Daddy anyway? I'd like to start planning." There were few things in life she enjoyed. Making plans, even plans for a baby shower, was right up her alley. The idea bubbles popping up in her head cheered her immensely.

"You father mentioned something about showing him our practice next door. They should be back any minute." The words barely left her mother's lips when a grinning father and pale-faced potions master entered the kitchen. "Oh, speak of the devil. Welcome back dears. Dinner is just about ready."

The whey faced Severus Snape collapsed into the chair next to her. Hermione stifled a giggle. "Are you all right, Severus?" She knew fully well what kind of tour her father must have put him on. He did it with every male she had the misfortune to bring home.

Snape had to swallow, she noticed, before his answer would emerge. "Quite".

"I was just telling him how he's privileged to the family discount." Donald Granger smiled, jovially. Severus didn't know if the man was obtuse, or very very Slytherin. "He's is in a kind of odd way family after all."

"Joy." Severus breathed this one word, coating it with dismay and suffrage like frosting on a cake.

Hermione giggled.

'It's good to be home' she thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

Chapter 7

Muggle clinics, Snape decided, though less complicating than St. Mungos, were not the kind of places he'd like to make frequent visits to. In fact his wife's, as he refused to believe in their non-marriage-in-the-muggle-world, check up with Dr. Caius was awkward to the point of embarrassment.

It all started when they arrived.

They had at least had the fore thought not to have driven the family car, as the car park for the clinic was apparently merely for show, and never seemed to have any free spaces. The fact that some desperate locals ended up parking on lesser-used walkways served to prove the case in point.

Hermione and himself marched up to the front desk to explain the purpose of their visit. The giggly young blonde in turn gave them directions and sent them up three floors and down the hallway to their left. She emphasized 'on their left' like it wouldn't be obvious when they arrived there. Once exiting the metal deathtrap large enough to hold a blast ended skrewt, they came face to face with a flower shop, a washroom, and a reception desk at the end of the hall to their left.

"We're pregnant, not stupid." Hermione groused as she waddled her way to the counter.

"You mean you're pregnant. I had nothing to do with it if you'll recall." Severus mused.

She merely ignored him.

The nurse at this station much reminded him of young Ginny Weasley. Albeit if Ginny was twenty some years older and not a Weasley. Gina, as that was the name printed on the caregiver's chest, proceeded to ask questions and scribble the answers on a form.

"Name please, madam."

"Mrs. Hermione Jane Potter."

"And you, Mr. Potter?"

"No. I am Professor Severus Snape."

"Oh. Then your relation to Mrs. Potter is?"

"Her spouse."

"Ah… wait. Pardon?" Gina blinked in confusion. "Is Potter your maiden name then madam?"

"No, that would be Granger."

"Ah. Ok."

"Our complicated marriage is a long, long story." Hermione explained, a slight blush tinting her sweet cheeks.

"Well then, moving along. The father of your child is…?"

"A Mr. Draco Malfoy now deceased."

"He was another husband." Snape informed her in a fit of perverted amusement.

Gina stopped writing to gape at them. Muttering something about 'friends' she shoved the forms at them. "Please fill these out. The doctor will be with you shortly."

Sitting down on the ugly yet comfortable sofa, his wife began filling in the necessary information as quickly as possible.

"She probably thinks I have a male harem." Hermione griped.

Severus helped her with as much information about himself and the Malfoys as he was privy to. Hermione seemed startled to discover wizards also had licenses, health cards and the like. He was quick to point out that they were part of another sect of people in Britain, not another country. They did exist in the muggle world too.

Soon enough they were called into the office of Dr. Caius, gynecologist and obstetrician. A place where they were, once again, told to wait.

'It's a wonder any muggle ever gets treated in such a place. What with all the waiting they make you do.' Severus thought un-kindly not noticing that his beloved had meanwhile been getting un-dressed.

"Hermione! What are you doing?" he gaped in alarm. 'She couldn't possibly be thinking about having a bit of fun before this doctor person arrive. Could she?'

"I'm getting changed. What does it look like."?

Severus, prudently, did not answer.

"The doctor can't examine me through all my clothes." She continued, "That's why they gave me this to wear." She held us a sheet of cloth with two armholes and a set of ties.

"How exactly does one wear… such a … garment?"

"Ties to the back."

Severus raised his brow. Tempted.

"No more comments out of you." She commanded, catching on, and hurriedly slipped the hospital gown on. With much awkwardness she managed to seat herself on the examination table. It probably would've been easier had she just asked him to help, but he guessed by viewing the red glow dusting her cheeks that she was too embarrassed to risk him putting his hands on her bare bottom.

Sighing quietly, he began to amuse himself by reading the un-moving posters pasted on the walls and eyeing the array of medical equipment scattered throughout the room. Something metallic and peculiar caught his eye.

"What in Merlin's great name are those for, pray tell?"

Hermione looked down at what had boggled Severus Snape's great mind enough to sneer at, and giggled. "They're stirrups."

"Don't be foolish, I know what stirrups are and those silvery monstrosities are not them." He snorted, "and if be some misguided muggle-minded sense they had happened to be such things then they are most certainly out of place here."

She had the gall to laugh at him. "They're not riding stirrups!" she chortled, highly amused at his expense. "They're used during examinations and, most probably, even during birthing."

"I can't possibly see how…" Severus never got the chance to complete his sarcastic query as she had taken it upon herself to demonstrate their use.

Hermione swiveled about to face him almost directly and placed one sock clad foot into each holster, baring all for his private viewing. Intentionally or not he never could quite say.

He'd be damned if he was going to let some other dirty minded old man gaze upon her lush purple-ly heaven nestled among chocolate curls, though. Despite his 'potions assistant's' demands that he take advantage of what his wife was wantonly offering, he was going to apparate them the hell out of there, as soon as he picked his jaw up off the floor.

But Hermione closed the gates to paradise and Severus lost his chance, for they were no longer alone.

The woman entered garbed in a long white coat, under which she wore an ugly blue t-shirt and matching drawstring trousers. There was a truly bizarre necklace draped haphazardly around her neck, like a tie. The round metallic disk pendant swayed as she moved, only to get caught on another nametag.

One that declared her name as **Dr. Paige Caius**, in neatly typed bold black letters.

Dr. Caius came equipped with a clipboard, a pen tucked behind one ear, and a large smile on her face. All the teeth on display blinded Severus, that he missed out on the primary greetings and introductions.

"Alright then." Dr. Caius began. "We'll start with the basics, checking your blood pressure, hearing and etc. Then I'd like you to give me a sample for testing and we'll see how the baby is doing."

Severus wondered at the healer's mental state. 'How do we see how the baby is when it hasn't even been birthed yet? There aren't any spells or potions that can perform such a task. So how exactly did a mere muggle think to accomplish the feat?'

"Well everything seems normal Hermione." Dr. Caius announced, breaking Severus free from his silent musings. "Fill this while I get everything ready in the next room."

Severus raised his brow at the tiny plastic jar in Hermione's hands. "Fill it with what, pray tell?"

She blushed. "Um… with pee, Severus."

He blinked. "You're telling me you are expected to urinate into that little thing? Muggles are truly the strangest of creatures."

She shrugged and slipped off to the adjoining loo. She returned in time to pass her urine sample to a passing nurse. Silently the walked to the room next door, Severus' mind buzzed with desire to learn how the muggle medic planned to live up to her boast.

'See an un-born baby indeed.'

He was rather glad, afterwards, that he had not voiced his thoughts out loud. Now he would not have to eat them. At present he was duly humbled by the amazing magic known as muggle technology. For all this miraculous woman doctor had to do was spread a little clear jelly-like potion over Hermione's engorged womb, point her steel wand at it and a grainy image of Draco Malfoy Jr. appeared on the fellyvision next to her head.

They even let them keep a picture.

'What amazing creatures muggle are!' Severus Snape thought. 'I'm doubly glad I switched sides. Perhaps there is a way to change the Dark Lord's, or my fellow Death Eater's, thoughts on muggles?'

He had never felt so hopeful before; and it only got better, a swish and a flick later, when he enchanted the tiny photograph to move.

end chapter 7


	8. Chapter 8

**Marry Mione**

By the Emperor's Sister

Chapter 8

Hermione wondered if the baby shower wasn't such a good idea after all. It was too late to cancel though, her mother reminded her, as half of the guests were already there.

True it was great to see her baby sister, not so much a baby anymore; and her eccentric theatre aunt, Iphigenia, was always a delight. Hermione was only concerned about how the witches invited would react and deal with her muggle family and friends. Molly and Ginny had owled earlier that they regretted to say they would not be coming. Feeling a little bit disappointed with the Weasley women, she figured it was probably for the best. She recalled how the heads of the two families acted when in close quarters together. So in the end it would just be the Malfoy's and Severus attending. So she thought.

'Oh Hell…' Hermione Potter-sometimes Malfoy-Snape paled as the Lestranges, followed by Lord freaking Voldemort himself, walked through her front door. 'We're all going to die.'

Feeling much too distraught over her 'top-of-the-evil-food-chain' guests to bother playing 'the good hostess', she instead desperately sought out Severus. She hoped he would be able to keep them all from becoming the Daily Prophet's front page news.

She found him wearing his wicked Snape grin. He winked at her as if to say, "Never fear, your knight in black robes is here".

'Does Severus have some perfectly Slytherin plan to save us from a torturous unspeakable death?' she wondered. 'Don't tell me he's going to get those horrid Dark Wizards to leave!'

He seemed to be about to do just that, as she watched him with hope sparkling in her café au lait eyes. Once he made his way to their magical guests, all he did, much to her disappointment, was corral the males and usher them towards her father.

"My Lord. Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange." Severus began, "permit me to introduce my father-in-law. Mr. Donald Granger."

She missed out on their conversation due to her mother and aunt. They had taken it upon themselves to remind her of her hostess duties. She did catch Mr. Lestrange's derogatory comment about muggles though.

"Say gentlemen." Her father smiled invitingly, "let's leave the ladies to do their thing. Come then, let me give you a tour of my wife's and mine's practice."

'Perhaps Severus does know what he's doing.' Hermione mused, and sighed as she was left behind with a living room full of chattering, gossipy women. Straightening her shoulders, she marched into the center of the fray, or as everyone else saw it, the interrogation.

Usually wizards and witches are forbidden to speak of magic to muggles. Such isn't the case when it comes to gift giving ceremonies where both classes are involved. Measures are taken, however, by the Ministry to prevent the gossip from leaving the designated free speaking grounds. The Granger's residence was now a registered speak-easy, and aside from the Malfoy's guests, Hermione and her mother made sure to invite only those muggles who were open minded.

Hermione took her seat after making sure Narsissa and Bellatrix were now safely ensconced between her mother and aunt. The gift giving could now begin.

Her sister had long grown bored with all the baby nonsense, as young girls are prone to do, and had moved on to fiddle with the stereo. Hermione was now stuck at the head of the circle with the neighbor's girls and her old playmate from primary, Georgie Freed-Stern.

All in all, it became a rather pleasant afternoon. Helene and Iphigenia answered any and all questions that the two witches could have. For while picture books, frames and albums, as well as blankets, bibs and crib were fairly self explanatory, the wizarding world was too used to the convenience of house elves to know about the necessities of baby-proofed window treatments, nursing pillows, and the ever marvelous diaper genie twist away disposal system.

"So there is no wish granting involved." Bellatrix marveled.

"No, I'm afraid not." Hermione's aunt supplied. "It does take care of the mess so you can keep your eyes on your little one."

"I see. So that's how you muggles do things without house elves." Narsissa said.

"Well the only elf I've ever laid eyes on here was that dishy Orlando fellow on the big screen." Iphigenia smiled, "Mind you, I wouldn't mind that sexy blonde hanging around my flat!"

"Ooh, what's next sweet heart? Open another one!"

Hermione smiled at her mother and un-wrapped a baby monitor next. "I'll get Severus to spell this to work in the magical world. Thank you Georgie!"

The magical toy chest and phoenix song mobile were the last two presents Hermione opened. After thanking Narsissa and Bellatrix, respectively, Hermione then sat through the embarrassing episode of having her picture taken wearing a bonnet covered in all the ribbons and bows from the gifts.

Once the spots had disappeared from her vision, everyone enjoyed stuffing themselves on the many different cakes and teas. They chatted about their experience with babies and caught each other up on the latest scandals from their favorite soaps. Hermione joined her sibling and some of the younger girls by the radio, and began singing along to some of the songs they happened to recall the lyrics to. There was karaoke, giggling, and gossiping, and all the women present, from both worlds, were having a gay old time.

It was usually around this time when something would go horribly wrong; and it was no different in Hermione Potter also known as Malfoy-Snape's case. She was in the middle of singing the line "Lead me just say that you need me!" when her next-door neighbor, Mrs. Slocomb, screamed.

"Oh come now. The mudblood doesn't sing that badly." Bella cackled.

"A Rat!"

"A rat? Where?" Helene asked.

"Over there." Mrs. Slocomb pointed. "On that bit of china, as bold as brass, nibbling on a strawberry tart! Oh where is that big pussy of yours!"

Hermione looked uncomfortable. "I'm afraid Crookshanks is un-available Mrs. Slocomb." She said, frowning at the silver pawed pest in recognition. "More's the pity."

She saw Mrs. Malfoy and Mrs. Lestrange were avoiding noticing the furry death eater in their midst. It was obvious to her that though they recognized Pettigrew, they were neither fond nor willing to take responsibility for the little party crasher.

"Someone do something!" Mrs. Slocomb cried, and the youths decided to take matters into their own hands.

"Grab the beast!" and the hunt began.

Peter dashed off with a small horde of children hot on his heels. While the girls tried to fence him in, ladies of all various ages scurried to stand on their chairs. Even Mrs. Malfoy bounded up onto her seat with a squeak, Hermione noted with amusement. The shouts and chaos continued until Georgie Freed-Stern displayed her infamous rugby skills and trapped the wretched creature.

"Right then. He's good and caught!' she announced, keeping the squeaking traitor inside a small box. She added the strawberry tart and some tissue to the rat cage before asking for some tape. "My flat mate at uni needs another one of these. I'll just pass it on to her."

"Oh?" Hermione asked. "What for Georgie?"

"Some experiment she's been working on for her masters. She already has a female. You aught to see it Hermione, its monstrously fat, but smart as a whip." Georgie grinned, "Who knows. Maybe she'll mate them or something." Shrugging, Hermione's old school friend sealed the box with some spell-o-tape Bella had handed her with a sinister chuckle.

"Well that's over with. Anyone for more tea?" her mother invited. As soon as her mother finished serving, the missing men rejoined their little party.

Well somewhat.

Her father sat at her mother's side, planting a quick kiss on Helene's cheek. He smiled jovially as Severus and the Dark Lord followed behind and seated themselves nearby. Voldemort muttered quietly at Severus. "You know I grew up in a muggle orphanage where they arranged regular visits, but I'd forgotten how horrifying it could be. Do you think enrollment would increase or decrease if we offered a dental plan?"

Bella raised her brow, curiosity gnawing on her twisted black mind. Then she spied her husband. Rodolphus Lestrange passed his wife by and hurried into the Granger's bathroom. The slamming of the door was quickly followed by the sound of retching. Hermione's sister kindly turned up the volume of the stereo to cover the noise.

"He was in the chair." Severus smirked all knowingly at Bellatrix, nipping her curiosity in the bud. Her darling spouse's taste much reflected her own. She suddenly felt that she was better off ignorant to the details.

Lucius Malfoy, paler than Hermione had ever seen him, stationed himself behind his beloved wife. He made sure to keep Narsissa between himself and the muggles at all times for the remainder of the evening.

Hermione couldn't partake in the humor at the wizard's expenses as she was much too bothered by He-Who-She-Wished-Hadn't-Come's presence near her. Her aunt, as if sensing her disquiet, moved to the reptilian man's side, and struck up a conversation. It seemed to her that the foul Tom Riddle was easily taken in by all things theater.

'Probably helped that auntie Iphigenia told him he had the perfect cheekbones to play Hamlet or King Lear!' she thought sourly.

She cheered up some when Severus proceeded to shock and amaze the Death Eaters with an edited re-telling of their trip to the clinic. The magic users oohed and ahhed at his ability to spin an almost magical tale about the muggle healer's technology, but it was his animated baby photo that blew their bigoted minds away. When the dark art practitioners all asked for copies of the monotone baby Draco Jr., Hermione felt that maybe they were an almost all right sorting of people.

Human even.

'Well perhaps I shouldn't get too carried away.' She mused.

end chapter 8


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